Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
