i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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