I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
