If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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