Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
