I got chris browned last night
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
