nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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