totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
