just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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