I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
