I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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