i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
