I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
