i think my mom watched the whole time
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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