you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
