Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
