The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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