i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
