Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
