let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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