Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
