wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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