Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
