My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Mom said you looked used
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
