Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
