I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
