i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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