Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
