dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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