20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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