Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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