it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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