im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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