he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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