haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
