i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
