I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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