I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
