Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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