I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just want to make out with him forever
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
