Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
