Your dad touched me again.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
