I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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