Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
