Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Don't make out with my wife yet
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
