This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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