I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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