Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
