so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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