I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
