Umm I'm too high to move.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
