bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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